In a just world, there would be a place for all of us sports guys to go to and have a cathartic experience about the way the media presents us our favorite guys in pads hitting each other or other smaller, non-human things. We could all sit around and complain to each other about how much we hate their never ending coverage of Brett Favre and LeBron James' "decisions." We could analyze why, discounting the gagillions of dollars in revenue they personally make, we have the NFL jammed down our throats 12 months a year while professional hockey gets as much attention as minor league LAX on Sportscenter. We could sit around in a circle and whine and complain about how they have bastardized pro sports, single handedly ushered in the "me first" athlete, and given homes and paychecks to the criminally insane Skip Bayless AND Woody Paige.
Also, it would be a nice place for "Versus" to hang out. Because nobody hates "them" more than Versus.
Them.
You know who "They" are, too. I didn't even have to write it out. "They" are like The Highlander: there can be only one. In a world torn apart by competition and "other choices," "They" stand alone as quite literally the only source of information about sports in the whole country that people pay attention to.
So in that aspect, I guess we should all really be proud of ESPN. Instead, it's bred a generation of sports fans that both need it and loathe it (like teenagers living at home with their parents). Trust me, there's nothing I like less than waking up and seeing Josh Elliott's smug, L.A. bred face smirking at me doing a really awful impression of Dan Patrick. I hate the fact that there's that little bar that goes along the lefthand side that tells me the next six stories about going to range from "Clayton on Favre" to "Kobe Speaks Out" to "Clayton on Favre: Favre Harder." I hate that Adam Schefter's torso is going to appear at some point and tell me he has no new information about anything, ever...then we'll throw it live back to the studio to Marcellus Wiley to confirm that...yes...there is nothing to confirm. We'll do that for 50 minutes, then it's ten top plays of dunks, dives and poorly constructed in-jokes from our anchors and we do it all over again.
I hate it all. And I also need it so desperately it makes my head hurt.
As a society, we are never actually sold the product; we're sold the brand. It's how modern marketing works. It's not the taste of Coca-Cola that makes it what I buy...it's the idea that Coke is the dominant force in the carbonated, caramelized soft drink market.
Instead of selling us adorable polar bears with Coke in their paws, ESPN sells us stories.
Unlike the other news media, or even the entertainment media, there is no check and balance on ESPN. When people hear 24/7 news, they think of competition. When people think music, movies, gossip, porn, whatever...you'll get ten different answers from ten different people. But if you asked those same ten people to play word association with "media" and "sports," not one person would say anything other than The Worldwide Leader.
So, as the brandname on the entire idea of sports themselves, ESPN has the luxury of controlling every story they report on. If they want the story of the day to be a squirrel who kicks a beachball...then it will be. Instead, we get much less interesting dribble about the aforementioned Favre/whoever is the constroversial person of the day. Therein lies the sick, evil genius of ESPN. If you are a sports fan, they can basically go Cris Angel on you and mess with your head. For all I know, Brett Favre is a nice guy who genuinely can't decide if his ankle can hold up to a full NFL season. Maybe Terrell Owens is a decent dude who just really likes driveway sit-ups. Maybe Barry Bonds never did use steroids and genuinely just hated the fact that Pedro Gomez was living in his bushes for three years.
The fact is I have have opinions on all those people. I have strong ones. By being a fan of sports, and having no place else to turn for extensive coverage, the onslaught of "drama" has been so forcefully beaten into my head that when someone says "Favre" I immediately feel compelled to discuss him. I shouldn't be like this! I shouldn't care that Matthew Berry is coming up to tell me I should start Drew Brees this week as a "sleeper!"
At first thought, this kind of upsets me. I mean, am I that easily manipulated that wanting to see highlights from baseball games the night before has forced me into physically wanting to harm LeBron James with a rusty steak knife? Perhaps. But the athletes themselves are the examples we can all point to when we say "How did this happen to us!?"
You don't think ESPN had an impact on, say, Mr. James? When he was a kid, Jordan dunking on people were highlights number 1-6 on Sportscenter with Stu Scott dropping generic hip-hop lingo behind it to see cooler than he really is. So, when ESPN comes calling and asks this 25 year old kid if he wants to make his super-important, life altering decision on live TV...he's going to say no? THEY'RE TELLING HIM HOW IMPORTANT HE IS 24 HOURS A DAY! Favre? Wouldn't you get an inflated sense of self worth if every two minutes your cell phone was ringing for another interview with NFL Live? Ochocino, T.O., A-Rod: you think they turned out the self-agrandizing fools they are just from their upbringing, or maybe because ESPN turned them into celebrities. Hell, they even gave them the stupid nicknames we know them by and helped turned them into characatures of themselves. See, they're no better than us when it comes to this brainwashing racket!
Of course, the beast is self-feeding too. ESPN.com message boards light up because people are sick of the same stories being rammed down our throats, then we turn around and discuss the same garbage when we see our friends. ESPN Senior Analysts and anchors will come on screen and ironically gloat about how "they can't believe we're still talking about this!" when they are, in fact, the only ones talking.
It's infuriating. It's shamefull. It's monopolistic (I assume that's a word. It looks like one). Frankly, the entire thing is just one really large carbon footprint for the next generation to see why we became such a narcissistic/me first culture.
They might be talking into space sometimes, creating their own controversies so they have something to discuss later, but I'll be listening.
Dammit. I'll be listening...
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