Hot Dog Flavored Mistakes

Every generation has a "What the f*** was I thinking?!" moment. A once-every-ten-or-so-years event that at least partially explains why they grew up the way they did, and also links them to others they're own age in a "touched by the same uncle" kind of way. Sure, the positive experiences we all go through are ulimately more important to our developmental phases (the 70's had dancing, the 80's had hip-hop, the 90's had video games, etc...), but the negative stuff that we all collectively jam into the back of our brains has to play at least some role. They're like festering memories of embarassment and horror that other generations get to mock while we cower into corners trying to deny their very existence. You think people who grew up watching "Happy Days" like hearing every good thing gone bad called "jumping the shark?" Hell no! That probably eats them up inside, because that's what our generation associates with Fonzie...not his slew of sexually transmitted diseases or broken jukebox hands.

It can't be healthy to keep it in, so I'm just gonna say it outloud for everyone. Our generation's weakest, lowest, darkest point. An event we all got sucked into, probably spent money on, and have spent years pulling a Mel Gibson's Dad pretending it didn't happen. It did. And we have to look it in the eye and deal with it. Ready?

Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water.

I know, I know...I cried a little bit just having to type it. But you know what? Screw it. I'm going to own what we all should own up to.

I bought Chocolate Starfish. I looked forward to buying it. When it came out, I took 20 of my hard earned, Dunkin Donuts made dollars, and bought it. I went home with a big ass smile on my face, popped that baby into my CD player, and listened all the way through. What I, and everybody, should have done was slam my face against a wall of rusty nails then burned 20 bucks with the nearest blowtorch. But we didn't do that. We got excited about what was supposed to be the biggest album of the year and fell into a bear trap made for millions, and everybody walked away looking like they just watched their dog get run over by an oil tanker.

What made this catastrophe worse was the epic, class transcending ability Chocolate Starfish had to disappoint. Genuine rap-rock fans stood in line to get it at the same time pop-loving girls with "PINK" splashed on their asses got it. Metal heads bought into the hype and picked it up at the same time the first wave of Juggalo's did the same (side note: Juggalo's deserved this. Assclowns.) Personally, I was probably a little more attached to the early stages of emo music than I'd like to admit and I bought the crap out of Chocolate Starfish. I figured "Hey, 'N-Together Now' is a good song and 'Rearranged' was ok...let's do it!" I wasn't expecting 12 different remixes of the song "Rollin'" and other audible pieces of brown noise producing garbage. But then again, nobody was.

I should point out, up until this point, I was totally against the modern rock scene too. To this day, I will stand on firm ground and argue that Stained and Creed are the worse things to happen to rock music since rehab and condoms. I distinctly remember arguing my freshman year with two kids in $50 GAP sweatshirts why the d-bag from Stained had absolutely nothing to be so depressed about and how he was just pandering to upper-middle class white kids who thought they had social problems. And this is coming from someone who bought a Rufio CD. Don't know who Rufio is? Good for you. I really wish I felt the same.

A couple of years ago, I went rummaging through the cd rack of an old friend of mine. Like everybody else, his cd rack had more dust on it than Cloris Leachman's hoo-ha, but I was able to wipe it away to reveal an absolutely epic collection of horrible music from our youth. New Found Glory. American Hi-Fi. The cd that wasn't 14:59 by Sugar Ray. Eiffel 65. Lou Bega.

Yah. That's right. Lou Bega.

Then I found Chocolate Starfish. Seeing it's nonsensical, mushy oompa loompa cover brought back "Deer Hunter" esque flashbacks. Of all the hot garbage that was festering in that rack, this was by far the worst offender and we all knew it. So then the same argument everybody our age has had...

" Two Dollar Bill Y'all was a great CD! Then the one with Nookie on it was pretty great, too! What was I supposed to do...not buy Chocolate Starfish?!"

"Yes! Yes, you could have not bought it! You should have sold high on Enron stock, not wait until it got better! And what the f*** do you mean Two Dollar Bill Y'all was 'great' CD?! Are you retarded?!

"It was! And didn't you buy Chocolate Starfish too?"

"SHUT UP, MAN! NOT FUNNY! OK, MAYBE I DID BUT F*** YOU!"

I think it's high time we all come together, sit around the camp fire, and talk about what we endured. It's healthy to talk about it and let out all of our anger and frustration. Yeah, Stained and Creed were terrible and we can take comfort in the fact that this generation is going to have to atone for making Nickelback gazillionaires, but Chocolate Starfish was our version of Dave getting taken away by the stranger in "Mystic River:" We all saw it, we all know exactly what happened, and it's never going to go away no matter how hard we wish. Think about it...if you see a guy in a backwards, red hat....what do you want to do?

I think we can all agree that hitting him over the head with a broken bottle then ripping his face off while crying "WHY!?" is a fair answer. And that's not normal. I don't think.

Let's heal. Let's talk. Let's all of us put the past behind us and start fresh.

Let's agree that Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water did happen, but it's not going to define our generation's biggest mistake. Because, as clearly stated before, that is totally the entire idea of the I.C.P.

F***ing assclowns.


(A great link on this topic: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100824061145AAC3Dyv)