When I was 12 years old, I didn't want to be a policeman. I didn't want to be an astronaut or a firetruck either. I had no aspirations of being a rapper, rock star, or roadie for Metallica. Being an army man or a lawyer or a doggy doctor was never in my cards. I spent my youth focusing on one prize:
I wanted to be Nomar Garciaparra.
And you know what? God dammit...I still have a chance.
I still have my oiled up Rawlings glove (which, ironically, had Derek Jeter's autograph on it). I still have the shaved down tennis balls I used to whip against the brick foundation in my backyard in preparation for my debut at Fenway Park. My toe tap is still as brilliant as it was 12 years ago and all these years of not being Nomar have clearly just enhanced my OCD abilities to waggle a bat, adjust by gloves, fix my gold chain, point to Jesus, then adjust my gloves again. So why not go for it? Why not do my best to be Nomar?
Am I too short? Well, at 5'8 and 160 bills, I'm exactly the same size as Dustin Pedroia so OBVIOUSLY that's not going to be an issue in today's modern age. Are my wrists to strong? Shit no! Before I take my first major league swings, of course I'd have some burly motherf***er break them to toughen me up. Hell, I haven't even gotten a haircut since July so I'm just three buckets of industrial strength cooking oil away from having the awesome, trademark pompadour. A few injections of horse testosterone and a marriage to the best female athlete of this generation I'm I'll be golden.
(Side note: Can we lie and say that Maria Sharapova is the elite athlete of this generation? I really don't want to see Diana Taurasi naked.)
I'm sick of looking back at middle school year books and laughing at how ridiculously short everybody comes to achieving their dreams! Aren't our little kid dreams so much better than our adult ones?
"Hey Johnny, what do YOU wanna be when you grow up?"
"Well, I'm thinking I'll play high school football for a few years. Make varsity, smoke a lot of pot, and forget that you have to apply to colleges to get in. From there I'll probably go to community college for a semeseter, drop out because school sucks, then work part time construction with my Uncle Manny until I knock up that chick down the street who totally has the hots for me."
Where are the lawyers and astronauts?! Shouldn't our population be overrun with veteranarians and pop singers?! Where are the short, Portuguese guys running the point for the Celtics in the NBA?!
Nuh-uh. Not me. No-siree. I'm sick of working this Monday-Friday, 45 hours a week regular working man garbage. Would Nomar Garciaparra work in radio? HELL. NO. He's too handsome to be on radio! I bet ESPN came to Nomar and said "Hey, Nomar! How'd you like to work production at our radio station in Bristol? Work behind the scenes, voice some things, and really put your nose to the....uh....ok, don't put your nose to anything. You might hurt whatever it is you've put it to." And you know what Nomar said? Screw you, ESPN! Get me on TV because that's what I want to do. I may be dopey, lack opinions, insight and apparently razor blades...but I'm Nomar Garcia-f***ing-parra!
That's why I'm heading to the batting cages tonight. I'm gonna strap on the gloves and get to swinging the bat because I won't give up on my dreams. I haven't swung a bat in five years, but I assume with age comes both power, agility, and enhanced hand-eye coordination. Bye-bye, working in local radio...I have a higher calling. Once the scouts from the Sox see me gracefully tracking down balls into into the third base gap they'll be amazed. I'll dazzle them with my ability to hit to all fields. Wait till they see me negotiate a contract too...I'll pout and frown harder than a new born without a binky. Theo will melt like freakin' butter.
All my years of hard work and number 5 jerseys are going to pay off. This time next year, I'll be the starting shortstop for YOUR Boston Red Sox.
Oh...wait a tic. I'm thumbing through my Middle School year book and apparently I wanted to be The Foo Fighers when I grew up. Oops.
I'm coming for you, Grohl.
Nomar baby, Nomar! I used to love that SNL skit. I miss that guy where is he now? I saw him on NESN and I think on ESPN too. Does he have a regular gig? I would have to say that I am right there with you on the batters box routine. I think all the kids on my block did the same routine when awaiting the opportunity to knock a ball into Mr. Johnsons garage window. Good luck goin after Grohl, he still with them crooked vultures or is he back to the Foo?
ReplyDeleteNomar's a full-time ESPN schill now...and he's just gawdawful at it. It's a damn shame. I think Grohl is doing triple duty still with Foo, the Vultures and sometimes with Queens of the Stone Age. At least that's the last I saw...
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